Forgiveness: A Gift We Give Before It’s Asked For
Forgiveness is often spoken about, yet misunderstood. It’s not about erasing the past or absolving someone of accountability. At its core, forgiveness is a liberating act of grace—a gift, both to the person who forgives and to the one being forgiven. It’s a way to free ourselves from the chains of resentment, bitterness, and anger, and, in doing so, it allows us to heal.
When reflecting on forgiveness, it seems best to start with oneself.
Where have I erred? What harm have I done and to whom? How can I ask for forgiveness and try to make things right?
After studying forgiveness in the great cultural, spiritual and religious traditions and really letting it sink in, the following words came forth from my heart.
Not sure if it is a prayer, a poem or simply a sincere expression from the heart asking for forgiveness and seeking to make a better future, but I send the sentiments expressed to everyone my life has touched.
I hope resonates with you as well, as one seeking forgiveness from those you have wronged, or as one who would like to hear a heartfelt and meaningful apology from those who have harmed you.
(The written words/text from this video are at the bottom of this page)
What Is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is the decision to let go of the pain and resentment caused by another’s actions, and possibly the meaning and feelings we have given to those actions, regardless of whether they have asked for forgiveness or not. It is an act of release—releasing the grip that the past holds on us and the weight it places on our hearts.
In psychology, forgiveness is recognized as a conscious, intentional act of letting go of feelings of anger and seeking emotional healing. It doesn’t require us to forget what happened or to excuse harmful behavior. Rather, it allows us to stop reliving the hurt and to find peace within ourselves.
Why Should We Forgive?
The question of why we should forgive often arises when the pain feels too deep or the wound too fresh. Why should we give someone the gift of forgiveness when they’ve hurt us? And why, especially, if they haven’t asked for it or shown any sign of remorse?
The answer lies in the profound impact forgiveness has on the one doing the forgiving.
Holding onto anger and resentment harms us far more than it harms the person who wronged us. Psychologists have shown that harboring bitterness leads to increased stress, anxiety, and even physical ailments such as high blood pressure and heart problems.
But forgiveness is not just about removing negative consequences.
It’s about creating space for peace, joy, and healing. By forgiving, we stop allowing someone else’s actions to dictate our emotional landscape.
For the one who forgives: Forgiveness is the act of freeing yourself from the emotional weight of the past. It allows you to reclaim your power, your joy, and your ability to live fully in the present.
For the one who is forgiven: While forgiveness is something we offer to ourselves first, it also opens the door for the other person to grow. Even if they never ask for forgiveness, even if they never know you’ve forgiven them, you’ve broken the cycle of negativity and given them the chance to be released from your anger.
When Should We Forgive?
Forgiveness doesn’t always come easily, and that’s okay. It’s important to acknowledge that forgiveness can be a process, rather than an instant fix. But knowing when to start that process is crucial.
When the other person hasn’t apologized: Perhaps the hardest time to forgive is when the person who wronged us hasn’t acknowledged their actions or shown remorse. In such cases, it’s easy to fall into the trap of waiting for their apology before allowing ourselves to let go.
But forgiveness is not about them—it’s about us.
Holding onto resentment only keeps us chained to the past. Forgiving before someone has asked is not condoning their behavior; it’s giving ourselves the gift of freedom.
When the pain is deep: Sometimes, the harm is so deep that forgiving feels impossible. Whether it’s the betrayal of a loved one or the injustice of an unspeakable life-changing event, forgiving doesn’t mean erasing what happened or invalidating the pain. It means choosing to release its hold on us, little by little, or, all at once in a cathartic release.
Self-forgiveness: One often-overlooked aspect of forgiveness is the need to forgive ourselves. We all make mistakes. Holding ourselves to a standard of perfection can lead to shame, guilt, and self-criticism. Forgiving ourselves is essential for growth and emotional well-being.
How Do We Forgive?
Forgiving, especially when we’ve been deeply hurt, can feel like an abstract and overwhelming task.
But it is possible, and it can be done through simple, deliberate steps. To embark on the journey of forgiveness, we must first be able to get to a place of emotional strength, so that we aren’t overwhelmed by the painful emotions, and, so that we can find helpful, meaningful or empowering messages in the emotions that we feel.
The great 13th Century Sufi poet Rumi wisely wrote:
“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
Rumi was wise to recognize that all emotions, even those that are painful or difficult, can serve us and bring something of value.
We just have to make sure that certain emotions don’t overstay their welcome and move into our “house” permanently.
Welcome them and entertain them, but let them pass through.
And if you so choose, perhaps don’t invite some (the unpleasant ones) to return as often, while encouraging more frequent and longer visits (or even permanent residence) of those emotions that truly feed your soul.
Through meditation and other practices, or with the help of a trusted counselor, we can build a well of resourceful emotions – love, gratitude, happiness, joy, excitement, courage, patience, determination, flexibility, playfulness, creativity – the list of powerful and positive emotions is endless.
Once we have enough of these positive emotions available to us and at our command, we have the metaphorical armor help us to face the pain of the past, and have the ability to manage it, rather than being overwhelmed by it. Everyone’s journey is different…
The following steps are the path people typically pass through to arrive at forgiveness, freedom and peace.
1. Acknowledge the pain: The first step toward forgiveness is recognizing the hurt, but only from a place of strength – knowing that the pain and any harm is never permanent. Avoiding or minimizing the pain often simply keeps it buried. When from a place of strength, either with a skilled counselor or on our own if we are prepared, we choose to sit with the discomfort, allow ourselves to feel the hurt, recognizing its impact on us, and then let it pass, we can begin to gain perspective. Forgiveness isn’t about ignoring the past—it’s about confronting it with the intention to heal. Yet we must not let it overwhelm us or simply relive pain repeating harm to ourselves. We must do this from a place of strength, knowing you are greater than anything that could have ever happened to you, and the only thing that is permanent is the beauty and strength within your soul. In this way, we can begin to open the door to forgiveness and peace.
2. Empathy and perspective: This step can be difficult, especially when the wound is deep. However, trying to understand why the person may have acted the way they did can soften the anger. It doesn’t mean excusing their behavior, but it helps put the situation into perspective. Often, hurt people hurt others, and understanding their wounds can allow us to offer compassion instead of judgment.
3. Let go of expectations: We often hold on to resentment because we expect the other person to make amends, change, or apologize. But we can’t control their actions, and waiting for them to do what we want only keeps us stuck. Let go of those expectations and focus on your own healing.
4. Rituals of letting go: Sometimes a symbolic act can help facilitate the process of forgiveness. Some will write a letter to the person who hurt them, expressing their feelings, and then burning it to symbolize letting go. Others practice Ho’oponopono, a Hawaiian tradition of reconciliation that involves repeating the words: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” This simple act can bring healing, even when the other person is not present. Sometimes hearing a truly heartfelt apology is enough even if not originally for us. Hearing true contrition (even if not by the one who triggered our pain) or imagining it is actually coming from them even if it never actually does, can transform our experience and help us let go.
5. Commitment to change: Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing someone to continue hurting you. Sometimes, the most compassionate act is to set boundaries that protect your well-being. If reconciliation is possible, that’s beautiful. If not, the act of forgiveness allows you to move forward without carrying the past into your future.
Forgiveness as “For-Giving”
The very word “for-give” hints at its deeper meaning: to give before it is asked for, to offer freely. It is a gift, not earned but bestowed with grace. When we forgive, we are choosing to break the cycle of hurt and retaliation, offering peace in its place.
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, nor is it an act of surrender.
It is, in fact, a powerful declaration of freedom and love.
We forgive not because the other person deserves it, but because we deserve peace. And in the act of forgiving, we allow ourselves to let go, to move on, and to live with a heart unburdened by the past.
As the Talmud teaches: “Whoever is merciful to others, mercy will be shown to them.”
In the Bhagavad Gita it was written, “He who is able to forgive is the one who is truly virtuous.”
Christ taught, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.” He also taught, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” This reflects the ultimate gift of forgiveness—offering love and kindness even in the face of wrongdoing.
Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” And, “Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” This illustrates the futility of holding onto grudges and the liberation that comes from forgiveness.
Lao Tzu, in the Tao Te Ching, emphasized the power of non-retaliation: “The wise do not fight; they are open, like a valley. In stillness and humility, they allow life to flow and heal.”
Closing Reflection
Forgiveness, mercy, is one of the most profound and challenging aspects of human experience. It requires us to transcend our pain, to let go of the grievances we hold, and to extend grace.
In doing so, we not only heal ourselves but offer a gift to the world. When we choose to forgive, we choose love over anger, peace over bitterness, and healing over hurt.
Shakespeare captured this beautifully in The Merchant of Venice:
“The quality of mercy is not strain’d,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
’Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God’s
When mercy seasons justice.”
In extending mercy and forgiveness, we become like the divine—we find the godliness within ourselves. In offering forgiveness, we embody love and kindness, allowing ourselves to transcend the hurt and pain, and in that, we heal both ourselves and the world around us.
I’m Sorry. An Apology From My Heart
I’m Sorry.
I come to you with a heart that is open,
With a mind that reflects on what has passed,
And with a soul that seeks to mend,
What I have broken, knowingly or unknowingly.
In every moment of our connection,
There is an invisible thread that binds us,
A delicate line that carries my words and actions to you,
And yours back to me, like ripples in water.
I see now, perhaps clearer than before,
How my words or silence, my actions or inaction,
May have caused harm.
A harm that I cannot take back,
But would give anything to undo.
Like the wind that smooths the waves,
Or the rain that nourishes the dry earth,
I come to you now with humility,
Asking that the storm between us calm,
and that what was hardened by pain
Might be softened by understanding.
I am sorry, deeply sorry, for the burden I caused.
For failing to see you fully, in the moment.
For letting my own fears or failings, blind me to yours.
Please forgive me for this, for I know that as I hurt you,
I too have felt the weight of that wound.
I recognize that we are bound.
That what I do affects you,
And what you feel affects me.
May we find peace in knowing,
That healing you heals me, too.
I apologize to you, my brother, my sister, my family, my love,
For in you, I also see myself.
We are all connected, and when one suffers, we all do.
Let this bond be restored, as I seek balance, in all things.
Let my heart and actions reflect the love I hold,
As I seek to pour love, where hurt has been.
For the heart that loves, is as wide as the world.
And in that love, may all wounds find healing.
I ask for the strength to walk in righteousness,
And to be worthy of the love I receive.
May my actions serve those around me,
And may I bring no harm to others.
By my actions, I created suffering.
May I learn to act with wisdom.
By my inaction, I created suffering.
I intend and commit to do better.
And may my future actions, serve all beings.
I ask for forgiveness, and I commit to this path of healing.
I breathe in the suffering I have caused,
And breathe out healing and peace.
If I could take it all away, I would.
But in place of that… I offer you my intention and commitment to change.
To be more aware, more kind, more present.
I acknowledge my wrongdoing with a humble heart,
Confessing my errors openly, with no excuses or pretense.
I feel true remorse for the pain I have caused,
And I make a firm resolve to change,
So that the past is not repeated.
I seek not only forgiveness,
But to restore what has been broken,
To repair the relationship and bring it to a place of peace.
I understand that atonement is not only about apology,
But about action and transformation—
A lifelong commitment to growth, healing, and love.
May all beings be happy,
May all beings be free from suffering.
May all beings never be separated from joy.
And may all beings live in equanimity, free from hatred and attachment.
May we move forward together,
Lighter from this moment of truth,
Wiser for the lessons we’ve learned,
And kinder in every step we take from here.
For in you, I see myself,
And in me, you may find a heart that truly seeks to reconcile.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I Love You.