Workplace conflict has massive costs.
* legal issues
* lost work
* turnover cost
* HR costs
* management intervention costs
* productivity costs
* morale costs
* and more
And not just for the people having the conflict but for the entire team and anyone inside or outside the company that interacts with them.
But, believe it or not, most workplace conflict is preventable.
And some conflict, a very specific kind, is actually productive.
HEALTHY vs. DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT
Healthy and respectful argument and debate is necessary for all creative endeavors. Nothing new or different or valuable can be created without discussion that often involves people passionately taking ideas and sides and debating intensely the pros and cons of each.
This is the essence of the creative process. This is the core of persuasion and influence from a place of integrity.
There is nothing wrong with a legitimate difference of opinion. Rational yet passionate discussion allows us to grow.
But most workplace conflict is the destructive kind, the unproductive kind.
Why do people have unproductive conflicts? There are a few primary reasons.
1. Misunderstanding of facts or the situation
2. Misunderstanding of intentions
3. A button has been pushed and people are now responding and running a pattern
Here are some examples:
MISUNDERSTANDINGS of FACTS or SITUATION
A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing and they have been fighting due to constant misconnection and miscommunication.
He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity,
“Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing,” he says.
That night, the old man is sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He estimates he’s about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, “What’s for dinner?”
She doesn’t respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, “What’s for dinner?”
She still doesn’t respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, “What’s for dinner?”
She still doesn’t say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, “What’s for dinner?”
She says, “For the fourth darn time, we’re having chicken!”
Sometimes our perspective on the facts or the situation is mistaken. Sometimes it is not. Being willing to listen and understand rather than judge is a skillset. Flexibility in perspective is a skillset. Not jumping to conclusions is a skillset. We can be taught and trained to assess facts and situations better so that we can virtually eliminate this kind of conflict.
MISUNDERSTANDING OF INTENTIONS
There was a family of turtles who decided to go on a picnic.
They packed up a wonderful lunch of delicious sandwiches, fresh fruit, potato chips and some bottles of their favorite sodas.
The littlest turtle was so excited about this picnic, but being the youngest, he was always worried about being left out.
So the family sets off for the picnic grounds together, excited about their day.
But when they arrive at the picnic spot, they realize they forgot the bottle opener.
So big brother turtle turns to the littlest one, and says, “Hey, run back home and get the bottle opener.”
“No!” says the little turtle. “I know how this goes. I’ll head home to get the bottle opener and while I’m gone, you guys will eat all the sandwiches before I get back.”
“We won’t,” says the big brother. “We’ll wait here until you get back.”
“You’ll still eat all the sandwiches,” says the little turtle. “I know you will. You always do.”
“No we won’t,” says the brother. “We won’t touch them.”
“Yes you will! You always do!”
By this time everybody’s getting a little stressed, and the mom turtle intervenes.
“Junior, got back and get that bottle opener. NOW! We promise. We will wait for you.”
So the little turtle pouts and turns toward home. The other turtles sit in the shade and wait. And wait. And wait.
It takes forever. Pretty soon it’s noon. And then it’s past noon. And still the little turtle hasn’t returned.
“What’s taking him so long?” says one turtle. “He should be back by now.”
As the day passes the turtles sit and wait.
Pretty soon it’s much later in the afternoon, and the turtles are starving. They are also worried about the little turtle and why he hadn’t returned.
They decide they should eat the sandwiches as quickly as they can to give them strength for the walk home so they can go search for the littlest turtle.
So they pull out the sandwiches and start to eat.
And just then, the little turtle, who had not gone home at all, but was hiding in the bushes the whole time, jumps out and says:
“Ha! I KNEW you would eat those sandwiches while I was gone! I just knew it!”
When we misinterpret the intentions of others, conflict and problems are often the results. Sometimes our expectations will actually drive our outcomes – for better or worse. Sometimes we end up in self-reinforcing patterns or loops based on our unconscious or conscious assumptions about others intentions.
Learning to understand why we make such assumptions can help us eliminate this kind of conflict. Learning to change our assumptions can save us from poor outcomes.
And by the way, sometimes our assumptions are correct. Sometimes we actually get it right which leads us to be more prone to relying on unconscious assumptions.
Being aware of these assumptions is a skillset. Being able to distinguish between correct and incorrect assumptions is an ability we can master. Being able to communicate about such assumptions is often required if we want someone to change the behaviors that led to such assumptions.
Trust, credibility, accountability, and mutual respect must be built to minimize conflicts driven by misunderstanding of intentions.
PUSHING BUTTONS and RUNNING PATTERNS
Thanksgiving dinner is always a wonderful experience. Friends, family, loved ones. Delectable turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, homemade stuffing, sweet potatoes with marshmallows…. and the big annual fight between your sister and your older brother (please feel free to insert your appropriate family members here).
Every year it’s the same. He says what he knows will push her button and send her off the deep end. She explodes. Then she knows exactly what to say to get him riled up. He explodes. Year after year, the same pattern unfolds, so that everyone else comes to expect it and bet on what time it might happen this year. We all know the buttons exist and we all know they know how to push them in each other.
The good news is that if ordinary people can find our “buttons”, then there is a pattern or formula for emotional buttons that can be learned and harnessed for good.
We can learn to program good buttons in ourselves to make us stronger
We can learn to eliminate or diffuse bad buttons and reclaim power rather than reacting and spiraling out of control.
ALL THREE COMBINING – THE TRIFECTA OF CONFLICT
Ironically, but not surprisingly, the three causes of conflict can stack upon each other.
Someone misunderstands facts or situations and a conflict arises. Then they make assumptions about intentions going forward, leading to more self-fulfilling conflicts. Ultimately buttons are created, and then, even if nothing is wrong, people can trigger each other to an un-resourceful and unproductive place.
Then everything is filtered through those metaphorical “dark glasses” so there will be more negative assumptions of facts and more assumption of negative intentions.
Eventually, if you always assumed someone was out to get you, had ill-intent, held opposing views to you, or just plain didn’t like you, you would perceive them doing terrible things, even when they were not.
It’s what can be seen as a metaphorical death spiral.
Human beings, unfortunately, love to get into these death spirals. We often, without training, can’t help it, because they are self-reinforcing loops.
Here’s how it plays out.
We take pride in knowing that we can predict others’ behaviors. We believe we know with certainty who they are and how they will act. We take pride in feeling superior and we often connect with others complaining about how terrible the other person is. We want to be right so badly that we find or precipitate conflict, or worse, we actually influence the other person to act with animosity.
This self-reinforcing dance can be stopped, when we teach people to change their perceptions of situations, change their assumptions of intent, de-activate the negative buttons, push different buttons, and be aware of this mechanism and pattern that drives us into unnecessary conflict.
Knowing is part of the battle and then reprogramming is the key.
Think about it. If our reactions are beyond our control or if it’s the other person’s fault, we have no power and therefore no responsibility to change.
And if we have no power or responsibility to change, then if someone dares to ask us to change we can have the moral high ground and dismiss them as being unreasonable. “I cant help how I feel. She does ‘x’ to me and I am rightfully upset, so my actions and feelings towards her are justified. I’m right.”
Our ego can get the best of us.
It’s the never-ending cycle like the “ancient grudge” between the Montagues and the Capulets (from Romeo and Juliet). They wronged me, so I’m justified in wronging them. But now that I have wronged them, they are justified in wronging me. On and on it goes until no one even knows how it started. They just know they are right and the other is the enemy who is always out to get them.
We need to teach people to break the cycle, or, even better, to create a cycle of positivity and trust.
If we learn to have power over our perceptions, we gain power over the cycle.
If we learn to have power to understand & determine our assumptions, we gain power over this cycle.
If we learn to have power over our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, we gain mastery of this cycle.
There are tools, skills and systems for changing our conscious and unconscious perceptions and thoughts.
We can learn tools, skills and insights that give us the power to alter our emotions, and ultimately choose our behaviors.
Learning to have power and mastery of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors ultimately gives us the ability to eliminate destructive conflict and build stronger relationships with everyone we encounter.