“Meaning what you say” and “saying what you mean” are two very different things.

Most people mean what we say, most of the time. And that’s a good thing. But saying what we mean, well, that’s another story.

We often think we are saying what we mean, when in fact we are not.

And on occasion, even if we are saying what we mean, the person listening needs to hear it a different way to truly understand, or our message will be lost in translation.

How many times have you had an idea in your head and told someone to do something only to have them return showing you something completely different than what you envisioned?

How many times has someone asked you for something and you felt like you were giving them what they wanted but it turned out you were not on the same page at all.

How many times have you had a conversation with someone and they didn’t hear a word you said?

And in all these situations, you were probably upset at the other person for not communicating clearly, right? It happens all the time. And don’t worry, they probably felt the same way about you.

WHERE DOES COMMUNICATION GO WRONG?

So where does communication go wrong most often? And in what areas can we easily prevent it from going wrong?

There are three big areas we need to understand to communicate well.

1. We must actually know what me mean to say.
2. We must understand both participants’ perspectives including context and emotional drivers.
3. We must understand the communication frameworks being used.

With practice and some useful tools that expand our awareness, we can learn to be much better and being clear about what we mean to say.

The ability to understand perspective, context and emotions takes times and experience to develop, and there are powerful tools we can learn to make sure we accelerate our ability to develop this skill.

Sometimes these communication failures fall into predictable and preventable patterns, and in other situations we must simply be forgiving and nonjudgmental when they inevitably occur. This is where learning to master our emotional responses serves us so that we can recognize and resolve miscommunication quickly and without taking things personally or blowing things out of proportion.

KNOWING WHAT YOU MEAN TO SAY, AND SAYING IT CLEARLY

You would think that it would be easy to say what we mean.

But sometimes we are moving quickly and get ahead of ourselves. We have a word or a picture or a simple concept for what we have in mind and simply lead with that.

Here’s a simple example:

Someone calls us and says they want a “teambuilding” event.

We could simply say, “no problem” and provide a fun activity in the timeframe requested.

But is that really what the client wanted or needed. Maybe not. So we ask some questions.

What do you mean by teambuilding?

That obviously includes activities and fun, but what are the drivers.

What does this person mean when they say teambuilding?

What are the goals? Is it a new team coming together? Is it a senior team whose time has a massive premium and value? Is it an experienced team? Are there big goals they are gearing up for? Are there conflicts or challenges? Is there a morale issue? Have there been recent changes? Are there new members who need to get up to speed and connect quickly? Have team members left? Is there new leadership? Has there been turnover? How well do people communicate? Do people manage there emotions well? Are there big stressors to deal with? Is there competitive pressure? Do they just need to function better internally as a team or do they need skills to lead others? Or do they need skills to connect with other departments or clients? Is there massive growth? Are they digesting a substantial organizational change? Are they constrained by time or location?

The list can go on, but as you can see, someone calling for an executive team doing a strategic offsite will have much different answers than someone calling with a sales team doing a quarterly offsite. Someone with a team of scientists or engineers will have different concerns that a team of retail workers or accountants or attorneys. A cross functional team has different needs than an in tact work group.

And often, if you have great intuitive capacity, you don’t have to ask every question to get a better understanding of what someone is saying. A few can often lead to much greater clarity.

But until they are clear on what will serve them, they might not make the right decisions about price, length of program, who to include, location or a variety of factors.

Unclear goals, ineffectively communicated lead to mediocre outcomes at best and often to poor outcomes.

Clear goals, clearly communicated lead to extraordinary outcomes.

Knowing what you mean and then being able to convey that message in a way the receiver can understand is the core of effective communication.

But sometimes contextual cues may interfere with that person’s ability to understand.

CONTEXT SPECIFIC REFERENCES

Have you ever planned to meet someone for lunch at a chain restaurant and when it was time, each of you was at a different place?

That’s because we assumed that we knew which of that chain’s locations we would go to – the one we know best.

LINGUISTIC CONTEXT

Do you remember the move Top Gun? In the final dog fight, Maverick says to Iceman “On the count of three, break right. Three, two, one. Break Right!”

So was he supposed to say one, two three? Was it on three? On One? Or on Break Right?

Luckily the context made it clear enough to win the day.

Or what about the two men. One has a hammer. The other is holding the nail. He says, “when I nod my head, hit it!”

We all know he means the nail, but linguistic context can cause lack of clarity in many circumstances so being aware and being clear is the key.

CULTURAL CONTEXT

In our diverse and multi-cultural world, people often misinterpret meaning because different cultures put different meaning into words and actions and timing, among other factors.

How you hand someone your business card, the amount of physical contact in an interaction, the volume of your voice and the speed of conversation can all have subtle and not so subtle meaning.

CONTEXT OF CONSEQUENCES

When consequences for miscommunication are large, we often seek clarity or reassurance. The Genie in the lamp requires the use of the words “I wish” to make it an official wish request. On the TV show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”, they would always ask “is that your final answer”. When using a defibrillator, medical staff always check that it’s “clear”. And pilots always use check lists verbally to ensure nothing is missed.

When the stakes are high, clarity and certainty are that much more important. “Measure twice cut once.”

If we constantly ask for reassurance, we can create undue stress or mistrust.

If we fail to get clarity when stakes are high, consequences can be dire.

Learning to strike the appropriate balance or having a shared framework can make all the difference.

EMOTIONAL CONTEXT

A man was driving down a crowded road with sporadic traffic when he noticed a car with its back wheel wobbling so significantly that he was concerned for the safety of the driver and others nearby.

He pulled up beside the car and beeped his horn a few times and rolled down his window.

The woman in the car glared at him briefly and then accelerated quickly as the traffic in front of her eased.

The man pulled beside her again and leaned out the window pointing at her wheel and trying to warn her of the danger she faced.

She looked upset or scared and refused to acknowledge him and continued to drive.

He honked several more times and she responded with a middle finger.

Clearly she was not getting the right message.

Was she in a bad mood? Did she have a negative past reference with someone beeping their horn? Did she assume mal-intent because road rage was something she engaged in or received often during her commute? Did the man remind her of her ex? Or perhaps did the man appear to stressed or upset because he was worried for her safety? Did his face show distress when she refused to acknowledge him?

We will never know those answers. But we do know one thing for certain. Our emotions drastically impact the way we perceive the world.

Sometimes people are emotionally triggered and can’t hear anything someone is saying – the message is lost. Sometimes fear, anger or sadness can overwhelm and block or distort incoming information.

So can excitement, passion and optimism. Resourceful emotions can alter our filter and alter the meaning we give to information we receive in the moment.

The most important lesson to learn from this and similar interactions is that learning emotional intelligence and gaining awareness, understanding of and mastery over our emotions can massively improve our ability to communicate and will often prevent miscommunication that would otherwise create severe challenges in our lives and at work.

COMMUNCATION FRAMEWORKS

Several studies have confirmed that communication relies on a mix of language, tone and physical expressions.

In fact, body language represents more than half of the message. Tone makes up the bulk of what remains and language only a small portion.

That said, within that small component, language is critical. The more articulate and precise our choice of words, structure and syntax, the more precise and clear our meaning.

And in a world where much communication is now done digitally where their is no body language and tone, the choice of words and the syntax can be a critical factor.

Have you ever mistakenly sent an email to someone with the CAP LOCKS KEY ON?

The receiver might be surprised or even upset that you are “yelling at them” depending on your existing relationship.

Learning to manage our tone, words and body language to create powerful, and articulate messages is a skill that can be learned, practiced and mastered.

In addition, there are 5 Keys to Communication that go to the frameworks and constructs through which we communicate. Unless we understand these 5 Keys and can align with the people we want to persuade or influence or inform, the chances of a misconnect are substantial.

Reducing mis-communication through skill building is one of the fastest, easiest and most cost effective ways to increase team efficiency and effectiveness.

It can also alleviate intangible issues and bring people together fostering true connection, mutual respect and increased trust.